My Snake Story

Sunday was the sort of typical lazy summer day that has come to define July and August for my wife and me. We attended church, ate lunch, went grocery shopping, and worked to keep our 21-month-old daughter entertained.

As Christina played with Ellery, I went to the kitchen to grab what I call a "power snack" (which is a much cooler way of saying 'peanut butter and jelly sandwich) when I noticed that part of the surface of the stove was moving. A moment later, comprehension fell on me with all the force of a piano on a cartoon character:

It was a snake.

A snake in my home.

On a thing where I usually put food.

Staring me down and spitting its forked tongue at me.

Adrenaline flooded my bloodstream.* My muscles tensed. A trickle of sweat formed on my brow. My mouth went dry.

I was face-to-face with a demon that has been the bane of humankind since the days of Adam. It slithered, slithered in the most snaky way, behind our sugar container, where it began to plot my demise. It was then that I understood my true purpose in life. I knew then why I had been put on this earth:

I was destined to destroy this snake.

Yes, like one of the heroes of old, I too must vanquish a fearsome beast. Just as Beowulf slew Grendel, just as Bard slew Smaug, I must slay this veritable Beelzebub of evil.

I must kill the snake.

I quickly began to assess my environment for my weapon of choice. Perhaps a knife? The knives were a wedding present from Phil and Jamie Van Horn. Little did they know their gifts would prove to save the lives of myself and my family. Yes, a knife would decapitate the monster and send it to snake hell. Which, I assume, is just regular hell. But alas, what if the snake should sprout two heads where the one had once been? After all, that was Hercules' blunder when he fought and nearly lost to the Hydra. A different tactic would be more prudent.

Instead, I seized upon one of our magic weapons in our utensil caddy: metal tongs.


One of the tongs of glory.

 

But I had not just one tong, but two! Surely, even a beast such as this would not expect his opponent to dual-wield metal tongs. What devil would be prepared for an onslaught such as this?

 

But at the critical moment, when victory seemed at hand, the snake launched its surprise assault. From behind its sugar-container-lair, it emerged and rose up, high into the air, and spit its tongue furiously in my general direction. I came at it with the tongs, but with a hiss of fury, it bobbed and weaved with an agility that would make Emmett Smith envious. It darted back across my stove and dived for the space between the counter and the refrigerator. I seized it by the tail, but with a mighty wrench, it sprung free. Pulling the refrigerator out, I glimpsed its tail as it disappeared down the hole from which our water pipe reaches the refrigerator. 

 

You win this time, snake.

 

.....but the battle was not over.

Yesterday afternoon I returned home from a day of district in-service. I picked up my daughter from the babysitter and immediately began attending to a number of household chores. I began to tackle the mountain of dishes that required some hand washing when out of the depths of the sink leapt THE DEMONIC SNAKE!

SWEET BUTTER CRUMPET!! IT WAS IN THE SINK!! IT'S RIGHT BY MY HAND!!

I let forth my mighty war cry (it was not, I repeat, NOT a girlish shriek) and forced the snake back to its sugary sanctuary. But I was filled with sudden doubt. I had lost in my first encounter. How could I possibly prevail? I began to question my ability to win this engagement. I felt like how The Little Giants probably felt at halftime.

Then, a sense of calm, a sense of peace, began to course through me. And the ghostly spectre of my father** come to me in a vision:

"Tape can solve almost any problem, son."

Immediately, I knew what I must do.

I went to the Junk Drawer of Champions and removed the single greatest weapon of all: clear plastic packing tape. I set about removing long strips of the adhesive and bending it back on itself to make it double-sided. I set about to encircle my slithery Satan. There would be no escape this time!

Calmly, I removed the sugar container. The snake, sensing danger, immediately sought its refrigerator escape, but NO! The trap had caught it! With a mighty hiss, it reared up and thrashed about! Slamming the counter and entrapping itself further, it hissed, and it spat. The tape began to smother its movements as its fury proved fruitless. It was like something out of the Book of Revelation. I let out a mighty roar and began to contemplate how I would destroy it.

But as I stared at the snake, the snake stared back. I was struck by just how big its eyes are. That is not something that had ever occurred to me before...that snakes could have big eyes. Almost like Disney eyes. It seemed...almost....almost human.

And so I decided: there would be no sweet dose of murder for Snaky Snake (I had named it in my head by this point). No. It had been a worthy opponent. An honorable opponent. And when the flag of surrender had been flown, there was no point in continuing on with my hatred. What was done was done.

I journeyed with the snake to a far away land where I released it into the wild. Mind you, removing three feet of tape from a live snake is a bit dicey when you're doing all you can not to actually TOUCH the thing (we're not friends or anything). But eventually I succeeded and bid it farewell. Perhaps one day it will have children. And tell them of the great battle it had once fought against me. And those children will tell their children until generations later, one of my own offspring comes face-to-face with a descendant of that first snake...

...in which case I hope he or she really does kill the thing. Seriously? Trying to get BACK into the house? That's just stupid.


*someone check the science of that sentence for me.

**my father is very much alive. "Ghostly spectre" just sounded cool to me.

A Letter to My Daughter

Dear Ellery,

You're too small to understand a word of this right now. In fact, I'm willing to bet that as I write this at the end of a debate practice at Buhler High School, you are laughing in your mother's lap as she plays patty-cake with you.

But that won't be the case forever. Soon, (too soon) you will grow up. You will get smart. And you will begin to do more and more without your mom and dad to help you. I'm not old enough to quit seeking advice, but I have a few nuggets of wisdom that I'd like you to know and I hope you learn:

• Limits. You will hear people talk about what girls can and can't do. Never listen to them. You're only limited by your own imagination. Don't like pink? Don't wear it. Want to play with army men? Play away. Your mother and I will love you just the same and we'll always encourage you no matter what. When your grandmother was little, she was told that if she wanted to go to college, she could only be either a nurse or a teacher. But you've got the world at your fingertips. Decide what you want to do and dive into it with abandon. 
• Happiness. It is not guaranteed. It is not a human right. But it is something you are allowed to pursue. Take joy in this pursuit, and know that "pursuit" takes effort and determination. Never take the easy path in the name of just being "happy." Don't lose the joy that comes with the pursuit of your goals. Many people think that their choice is between working and and just learning to be happy with where they're at. Don't sell yourself short by convincing yourself there isn't joy to be taken from supreme, difficult effort.  
• Faith. It's not just important. It's THE most important thing in your life. Your mother and I will raise you in the Church, and when you get older, your faith will be in your own hands. Pray in the good times. Pray in the bad times. And know that you were placed on this earth for a reason. You're not just occupying space while others move around you, but your life is guided by a divine purpose and a grand design. Sometimes, your mom and I think about all the things we "want" you to be when you grow up. But really, the most important thing we want is for you to be a Christian. Everything after that is so small in comparison.
• Beauty. Disney, magazines, TV all have their own ideas of beauty. Understand that it has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like and everything to do with your actions. If you want to know if you're beautiful, look at the things you do each and every day. Don't hide your beauty. Don't hide your talents. We're given too little time on this earth to waste it playing small.
• Adversity. Challenges make you stronger. Take joy in them and continually seek to overcome. Don't be afraid to fall. Every single failure is an opportunity to climb another mountain. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. He also struck out 1,330 times. I can't protect you from falling. And I don't want to. Falling is one of the best things that can happen to you. 
• Your parents. Right now we're pretty cool. You're too little for us not to be. Really, for all you know, we're horrible misfits. But there will come a time when you start to realize how very, very human we are. We will make mistakes. We will say things we don't mean. But we will always love you. Remember that your mom and dad pray all the time that we hope to do right by you and give you every opportunity to find your purpose and your place in this life.  
• Love. Your mom and I love you. And we know that someday you will love someone outside of this family. Many people will tell you that you need to follow your heart. Don't listen to them. While that idea can make for a nice romantic comedy on DVD, people who blindly follow their hearts find themselves in a heap of trouble. They become a bystander to the whims of their emotions. Instead of following, lead your heart. Show your heart who's the boss. It can do so much for you and bring you so much joy if you don't just hand it the keys to your life.  

We think the world of you. And that's not just because right now you're an adorable, small toddler. It's because you're our daughter. 

Love, 

Dad

Ellery's First Birthday

I stole this idea from Kevin Wilson at church. I thought it was such a neat idea that I wanted to try it out. This is a lot of the high points of Ellery's first year.

Top 5 Musicals - SSR

One of my students blogged about a favorite musical of his for his weekly class blog post and it got me thinking about all the musicals I've seen in my life. When your mom's a music teacher, having a good working knowledge of musicals becomes common household knowledge.

My top 5:

5. Pippin - This is a musical that does not translate to film very well. It's primarily only ever been done on stage, and it was done at my high school my senior year. I played the drum set in the pit orchestra and got to watch the musical come to life. I enjoy the story immensely, and the ending leaves the whole thing up to interpretation. 

4. The Sound of Music - Oh, Julie Andrews. Your warm songs thawed a cold man's  heart and brought joy back to his life. And of course, you have to hate those nasty Nazis.

3. Godspell - Another musical that's primarily shown on stage. It's an interesting take on the life of Jesus as portrayed by hippies/children. This was also performed at my high school, and I was again in the pit orchestra.

2. Mary Poppins - Julie Andrews again. Notice any themes here? And once again, we have a father whose cold heart must be thawed with music.

1. The Music Man - This musical is just straight-up fun. You have a lovable bad guy, a clueless town/lynch mob, a musically-gifted heroine, and comedy. Doesn't hurt that the music is insanely catchy, too.

Honorable mention: Rent, Frozen (it IS a musical), Phantom of the Opera, Schindler's List South Pacific. 

A Letter to My Debaters on Opening Weekend

(I have three young debate teams traveling to Nickerson tomorrow and I can't drive them there since I am in Topeka with four other teams. So to completely make up for it, I wrote them this letter)

To my brave opening-weekend debaters:

You are embarking on a great journey. A journey that will transcend many miles. Like 20 of them.

There are many perils which lie before you. But knowing the effort, care, and determination that you have put into preparing for this, I have no doubt that you will conquer your fears, exceed your expectations, and destroy those who stand in your way.

You are a Crusader! Like the brave knights of combat who sought the gates of heaven in days of old, you too seek a great treasure. Namely, a winning record at a local debate tournament.

This step is the first of many. And as you cross this first threshold, you will become emboldened by realizing that you are capable of accomplishing so much more than believed possible. And as you face and overcome these challenges, remember these words of wisdom:

• Don’t just talk good. Talk gooder than the other team.
• Your judges don’t care about how fast you speak, but they do care about how well you wield those words in verbal combat.
• Double negatives are a no-no.
• The words “I think,” and “I believe” sound good in your head. Make sure those words stay in your head and don’t leave your mouth.
• Don’t just make good arguments, but point out why your opponents’ arguments are bad.
• Judges are like spies. They’re everywhere. Even when you think they’re not. Always act like one is watching you.

My last piece of advice is simple. Help your comrades. Make certain that you not only have everything you need, but that your teammates do as well. You are a squad. A team. An indivisible unit of power. When one succeeds, we all succeed.

I look forward to seeing you on Monday. Go forth. And do well!

Mr. Bauer

Time

You might look at my blog title and think this is a post about the passage of time, or about time as a phenomenon in and of itself. But no. This is about the lack of time.

There was once a time when I thought I was busy. I took 21 college credit hours in a semester. I also participated in musical ensembles through percussion and ran the student newspaper. In retrospect, though, that was cake.

Somehow, I still managed to play video games, hang out with friends, talk with my girlfriend, and even follow some sports teams. But I thought I was swamped.

Maybe that's a weird human condition, to constantly think there is less time than there really is. Or, probably more accurately, we try to wear our own busy-ness like a badge of honor. "Man, I was up until 4 a.m. doing work." "Oh yeah? I only slept for a minute. And I was drinking coffee during that minute."

I suppose this makes us look like hard workers? Or maybe it gives us a built-in excuse when things go wrong. We can default to how busy we are when something doesn't work out. "I couldn't do it because I was doing 800 other things."

Lately I've been trying to make a conscious effort to restore some solid balance to my life. Yes, that does mean being more productive, but it also means spending more time with my family when I can. I hate going home and having to work when I should be playing with my daughter. Those two things go hand in hand. If I can get more done during the day, then I can enjoy my time at home easier.

There are some tricks I'm going to try to do to make this happen:

1. Grade at debate meets. There's a lot of work into coaching debate. However, there's not a lot of work that goes into sitting around waiting for my kids to get out of rounds. That's arguably almost 7 hours of potential productivity. 
2. Important work early. I found out about this cool thing called a circadian rhythm, which goes about every 6 hours. I'm going to make an effort to time my important work for when I'm feeling energized (early morning), light work for 1:00 p.m.-ish. 
3. Coffee. Just. Yeah. 
4. Less multitasking. I don't think it works. I don't think it ever has worked. Time on one task should be time on ONLY that task. 
5. Destroy my phone - maybe I would be more productive if I had a faster phone. I doubt it, though. I think I do better when my phone is doing something else. Like, not being around me. 

First Day Reflections

For whatever reason, I've been hooked on the TV show Scrubs over the last two weeks.

Most of it is because I've been watching Ellery while Christina's started back up at school (saving money on a babysitter FTW!!) and I didn't want to watch something that required a lot of my attention. But part of it I think is because the theme of the show works perfectly for the start of a new school year.

For those who don't know, Scrubs was a sitcom about a young doctor who goes from medical school right into a hospital to serve his internship. He's scared and nervous. He doesn't know little things like where he could find extra bandages. He struggles to apply things he learned in school even though he desperately wants to be a good doctor.

I think the show resonated with people because everyone has that moment where you're thrown into the fire. Where preparation ends and performance begins.

To an extent, every teacher goes through that. Sure, you have student teaching before you get your license, but that is, by and large, a controlled simulation. You're borrowing another teacher's class in order to gain some valuable experience. It's still someone else's classroom, someone else's procedures, and someone else's curriculum.

Your first weeks in a bonafide teaching job you find yourself surrounded by people you don't know, in a building you're unfamiliar with, and in a profession you have no experience in. There's a lot that you don't know. In fact, you feel strikingly similar to how I imagine incoming freshmen feel. Here's a short list of everything I was ignorant of:

• Where's the cafeteria?
• How do I get to the cafeteria from my classroom?
• How do I set up a lunch account?
• How do I request a sub?
• How do I enter grades into my online gradebook?
• Where's the faculty work room?
• What's our lockdown procedure?
• How many tardies result in an office referral?
• How do I RECORD tardies?
• Where do we go in the event of a fire?
• Holy cow, when can I duck out to the bathroom?
• What the heck is Buhler Frolic?
• Can students leave my classroom without a pass?
• Where can I get posters for my class?
• Where can I get T-shirts supporting my school?
• Will I be socially ostracized if I forget to pay my relationship committee/booster club dues?
• How do I record reflections for professional development days?

And keep in mind, none of this has to do with actually teaching, which opens up its own can of worms but can be summed up with the following:

• WHY CAN'T MY CLASS LOOK LIKE THAT OTHER TEACHER'S?

But what I had a hard time making myself understand was that the other teacher usually had at least 10 years more experience than I did. Like it or not, experience counts for a lot in education. Your first year you have so much to learn that it's unreasonable to expect you to be THAT good.

Your first year of teaching is not when you find out if you're a great teacher. But it is when you find out if you're willing to work to become one.

So as my district gears up for the start of its first day of school, I can't help but look back at my first day of my first year and reflect on how far I've come and how far I still feel I have yet to go. A presenter for our district, Joe Coles, showed us a quote. I can't remember the exact words, but the gist of it goes:

"If you think you've made it to the top, you're probably right."

And that's when I realize that I'm not the only one who still thinks they need to get better. In fact, the best teachers in our building still think they can get better. And I'm smart enough to still realize that I want to be like them.

A lot changes after your first day. But a lot still stays the same.