So this is how nuclear wars begin...

So I need to set the record straight, here. 

One of my fellow English teachers, Jason Kohls, has falsely stated that I have claimed the title of "Alpha Male" of the English department.

Given that there are four male teachers in our department, that would be incredibly brazen of anyone to say. However, here are the facts:

• Yes, I did tape an article to Jason's door that implied he thought baby deer are adorable. 
• Yes, I did tell my kids to "prove they had more compassionate hearts than those jerks across the hallway" while raising items for the homeless. I can see how Greg Froese and John Knapp could misinterpret my meaning.
• Yes, I printed a tweet Jason made with the hashtag #whatupbauer
• Yes, I do like to be a snazzy dresser. 

But I started writing this blog post at first to DENY that I EVER said I was the alpha male. However, Jason gave the situation all the grave seriousness of a brewing nuclear conflict:

So, it would seen the battle for masculine supremacy has begun and threatens the pleasant and productive atmosphere of the upstairs south hallway. It is a shame, but what else can we do?

So I did what I hope our own country would do in a nuclear standoff. I point-blank refused to back down in the face of complete and utter misunderstanding:

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T SAY I WAS THE ALPHA MALE DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T TRUE

Your move, Kohls.

If ever there were an alpha male in our department, it would be me, by-golly. I think my extreme sense of masculinity oozes out of me when I'm doing something particularly manly. Like diagramming a compound-complex sentence. Or ordering a pumpkin spice latte. Or crying while watching Homeward Bound.

Let's see Walker Texas Ranger do THAT.

In all seriousness, in some respects being the alpha male in an English department is like saying you're the healthiest guy at McDonald's. Sure, you might legitimately claim that title, but it's not like there's an expectation or anything. It's a profession that has been dominated by women for literally billions of years. Teaching literature requires showing students how to empathize with characters in a story. Empathy is a trait men are not well-known for. Remember when King Xerxes tearfully embraced King Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae and sat down for peace talks? Yeah. Me neither.

When I was in junior high school, you could tell my English teachers were women simply by looking at my assigned reading list:

• Island of the Blue Dolphins
• The Diary of Anne Frank
• The Witch of Blackbird Pond
• Number the Stars
• The House on Mango Street
• Across Five Aprils

All but one of those books (Across Five Aprils) had a female protagonist. And even that one was about domestic life on a farm during the Civil War, so only the girls liked it. There weren't any battles or nothin'. I didn't truly start to love English until I got to read books like Animal Farm and Anthem in class. I felt like those books finally began to move away from some of the themes I was already used to.

But you wouldn't know the field of English was inherently feminine from looking at the department we have going in Buhler. I wish I could take credit for making our department manly, but honestly that's probably not the case. The manliness quotient probably comes from the women just as much as the men. The title of "dominant male" might just go to one of them. Especially the one with the firearm. Come to think of it, that last sentence might need to be plural.

This is a group that is so productive that it looks forward to in-service days with all the fervor of an approaching Harry Potter release. This is a group so eager and excited to share ideas that we have 26 different Google Docs folders with lesson materials for everything from timed writing prompts to links to audio recordings of To Kill a Mockingbird. This is a group filled with people who love what they do.

I don't know if that's masculine or feminine. What I do know is it's pretty dang sweet.

Citizenship Day

It was an inspiring day to work with the Buhler High School kids around on different projects in the community.

It's always a good day when you see groups of young people working to benefit their community. Recently (and separately) our English department began participating in Socktober. It was something started by "Kid President" on Youtube. You can check out the video below:

So far my classes have raised a box full of items, although we've only been at it two days and I only have 40 English kids. The idea to start participating in it came from Jason Kohls and all of our kids and their families have been tremendous in their response. Jason has been having to clean out more and more of his classroom closet to make way for the items kids have been bringing in.

Civic responsibility isn't something that has always been strong with me. It was probably weakest while I was in college simply because Fort Hays wasn't necessarily "home." It was where I lived and where I had friends, but Hays wasn't "home" for them, either. Now that I'm settled, I own a house, and have a child on the way, everyone pitching in to help each other out takes on a new level of importance.

It's important to me that the needy in our community get what they need because it's important to me that my community reflect the values that I strive to maintain. If that simply were not the case, I feel that there would be a greater sense of apathy. The notion that we are our brother's keeper would be gone.

Yes, I have a responsibility to others in my community. It is real. It matters. Just like it matters to an entire basketball team when one player fails a class. It also matters that we do unto others the way we'd have them do unto us.

Socktober. Citizenship Day. It's not an assignment. It's a duty.

Columbus Day is Awful

(I wrote this for The University Leader as a humorous opinion in 2010)

There are a host of serious issues plaguing the nation. This is not one of them.

I’m talking, of course, about Columbus Day. It was Monday. Did you remember? No, you didn’t.

You didn’t celebrate. You didn’t travel to Ohio. You didn’t wave Spanish flags.

Like me, you probably tried to ignore it until you found out the post office was closed.

Which brings me to my point: Columbus Day is the worst holiday ever because Columbus was the worst explorer ever.

I’m not even going to count the whole genocide of the Native Americans thing, which alone is reason to relegate Columbus to a footnote.

No, Columbus was a bad guy because he stank as an explorer. He was the worst. He’s the Paris Hilton of explorers, getting all the attention, but being completely devoid of talent or serious accomplishments and contributions.

He didn’t discover anything. Not really. He wasn’t the first person to discover America — Native Americans did that. He wasn’t the first European to discover America — Leif Erikson did that.

Heck, he didn’t even know he was in America. He thought he was in India. Shouldn’t that by itself be reason to say Columbus was a terrible, terrible explorer? What kind of explorer gets an entire continent completely wrong?

There are some who say that Columbus’ voyage was important because it proved the earth is round. Wrong.

People at the time of Columbus already knew the earth was round. They had even already estimated the earth’s size. Columbus didn’t prove anything, not even to his own people.

Even if he really proved the earth was round, wouldn’t it make more sense to actually sail around the earth? Not just blindly run into some land, declare that it’s India, and then sail back.

There are many reasons to get rid of Columbus Day. Chief among them is that it’s really, really annoying. Anyone else try to go to the bank on Monday? Yeah, I bet that was a lot of fun turning around and driving home, cursing that jerk Christopher Columbus under your breath.

Does anyone know how much money the economy loses by shutting down banks to worship Columbus each year? I don’t either, but I bet it’s a lot.

I’d probably be fine keeping a holiday in place of Columbus Day, but it would need to be changed to something more relevant and worthwhile. Like Comfortable Pants Day. Now that’s something that would look good on the second Monday in October.

Christopher Columbus was not only a terrible explorer, but he’s a terrible reason to take the day off.