So this is how nuclear wars begin...

So I need to set the record straight, here. 

One of my fellow English teachers, Jason Kohls, has falsely stated that I have claimed the title of "Alpha Male" of the English department.

Given that there are four male teachers in our department, that would be incredibly brazen of anyone to say. However, here are the facts:

• Yes, I did tape an article to Jason's door that implied he thought baby deer are adorable. 
• Yes, I did tell my kids to "prove they had more compassionate hearts than those jerks across the hallway" while raising items for the homeless. I can see how Greg Froese and John Knapp could misinterpret my meaning.
• Yes, I printed a tweet Jason made with the hashtag #whatupbauer
• Yes, I do like to be a snazzy dresser. 

But I started writing this blog post at first to DENY that I EVER said I was the alpha male. However, Jason gave the situation all the grave seriousness of a brewing nuclear conflict:

So, it would seen the battle for masculine supremacy has begun and threatens the pleasant and productive atmosphere of the upstairs south hallway. It is a shame, but what else can we do?

So I did what I hope our own country would do in a nuclear standoff. I point-blank refused to back down in the face of complete and utter misunderstanding:

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T SAY I WAS THE ALPHA MALE DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T TRUE

Your move, Kohls.

If ever there were an alpha male in our department, it would be me, by-golly. I think my extreme sense of masculinity oozes out of me when I'm doing something particularly manly. Like diagramming a compound-complex sentence. Or ordering a pumpkin spice latte. Or crying while watching Homeward Bound.

Let's see Walker Texas Ranger do THAT.

In all seriousness, in some respects being the alpha male in an English department is like saying you're the healthiest guy at McDonald's. Sure, you might legitimately claim that title, but it's not like there's an expectation or anything. It's a profession that has been dominated by women for literally billions of years. Teaching literature requires showing students how to empathize with characters in a story. Empathy is a trait men are not well-known for. Remember when King Xerxes tearfully embraced King Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae and sat down for peace talks? Yeah. Me neither.

When I was in junior high school, you could tell my English teachers were women simply by looking at my assigned reading list:

• Island of the Blue Dolphins
• The Diary of Anne Frank
• The Witch of Blackbird Pond
• Number the Stars
• The House on Mango Street
• Across Five Aprils

All but one of those books (Across Five Aprils) had a female protagonist. And even that one was about domestic life on a farm during the Civil War, so only the girls liked it. There weren't any battles or nothin'. I didn't truly start to love English until I got to read books like Animal Farm and Anthem in class. I felt like those books finally began to move away from some of the themes I was already used to.

But you wouldn't know the field of English was inherently feminine from looking at the department we have going in Buhler. I wish I could take credit for making our department manly, but honestly that's probably not the case. The manliness quotient probably comes from the women just as much as the men. The title of "dominant male" might just go to one of them. Especially the one with the firearm. Come to think of it, that last sentence might need to be plural.

This is a group that is so productive that it looks forward to in-service days with all the fervor of an approaching Harry Potter release. This is a group so eager and excited to share ideas that we have 26 different Google Docs folders with lesson materials for everything from timed writing prompts to links to audio recordings of To Kill a Mockingbird. This is a group filled with people who love what they do.

I don't know if that's masculine or feminine. What I do know is it's pretty dang sweet.